A letter to the illiterate.

October 27, 2010 § Leave a comment

Dear bug eaters,

Shut the fuck up. Just for five fucking minutes.

We know you want to end taxation. We know you don’t care that every reputable economist on the goddamned fucking planet has tried to explain to you inbred sisterfuckers that austerity budgets and tax breaks for billionaires and transnational corporations makes joblessness worse, not better. It makes the recession worse, not better. It makes the deficit worse, not better.

But you don’t care what experts have to say, do you, knuckle-draggers, because all you care about is what makes you feel better. And what makes you feel better, apparently, is waddling up and down the street with powdered wigs and little flags and misspelled signs with pictures of the president wearing a turban, and you think that makes your opinion equal to those of educated experts who do research for a living. Don’t you get how utterly fucking bug-stupid that makes you look?

We know you want to drill for oil in Yellowstone and downtown Detroit and fucking Disneyland and two miles down through the fucking Antarctic ice cap and on Mars and every goddamned place you can think of, until the entire solar system is a polluted piece of steaming shit just like fucking Texas.

We know you email each other ape jokes and watermelon jokes and other racist Ku Klux Klan fucking bullshit–just what, three years?– after screaming TREASON! at anyone who dared disagree with George W. Bush, and two years after deciding to tell everyone you’re not actually Republican because that would mean you voted for the moron who destroyed our economy.

Guess what? The 80 percent of us who think you’re a bunch of fucking retarded clowns are sick and tired of hearing about you. The 80 percent of us who think education is actually a good thing are tired of hearing you pontificate about shit you don’t know because you can barely spell your own names.

Like how you think the Internet is a bunch of fucking tubes.

How you think evolution isn’t real because the other monkeys haven’t evolved into people yet.

How you think we’ll still have roads and courtrooms and jails and people checking for e.coli in your WalMart burger meat without paying any taxes.

How you think it’s okay for you to accuse the president of being Muslim without any evidence—and then act like it’s a bad thing if he WAS a Muslim because you loathsome asswipes judge people by what group they belong to—not by their credentials as individuals.

How you hate Affirmative Action until it’s used to give preferential treatment to white students over students from Asia, or preferential treatment to the underachieving white children of the wealthiest donors. What a fucking bunch of racist hypocrites.

How you think lesbians have taken over the public university system—despite the fact that all the trustees and presidents and football coaches and most of the professors and most of the students and every evil fucker in any position of power happens to be in possession of a snow white penis.

How you think unions are the bullies with all the power and all the money while corporations are the victims with none of the power and none of the money, with no incentive to screw you because for some reason you’d rather pay them double, triple, quadruple for the same fucking services your taxes used to provide before they were used to pay for tax cuts to people who own yachts and jets. You dumb fucking idiots.

How you think some stupid bitch from Alaska actually knows any goddamned fucking thing about Russia just because Alaska is closer to Russia, than say, the Russian embassy in Washington Fucking D.C., you geopolitically-challenged shit-for-brained nine-year-olds! Meanwhile not a single one of you can say a single specific thing about any specific policy this stupid bitch has ever advocated. But you will of course scream at the top of your lungs that calling her bitch is sooooo wrong because Lord knows you’ve never called Hillary the c-word after wiping the beer foam off the ends of your snouts. What a bunch of misogynistic hypocrites.

Fuck you and your own personal fucking “news” channel, where you’re invited to spew your fucktarded bullshit with Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity and the rest of the animal house twenty four hours every fucking merciless day. If they told you the only way to love America was to take a dump on on a downtown street corner, you’d be pushing each other out of the way to be first. Did you know they laugh at you behind your backs every two weeks when their seven-figure paychecks arrive, you stupid tools?

Liberal media, huh? One million Latinos march for immigration reform in Los Angeles, but on every donkeypissing television station across America all we see is a tribe of twenty assholes in plaid picketing on a street corner in Arizona because they flunked economics AND history in high school and don’t know the first thing about the Founding Fathers, the Constitution, the history of our court system, OR the history of the last eight goddamned years in this country we love more than you do. Yes, more than you do—because we care enough about it to protect everyone’s freedoms—not just our own. Everyone’s property, not just our own. Everyone’s tax money, not just our own.

What a smarmy drooling circus you fuckers are.

Shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes, just for once. A town hall meeting is not for screamers. No one wants to smell your Cheetos breath from across the room. No one wants to smell the sweat stains under your armpits as you flail, spraying spittle. A town hall meeting is for people to discuss things, not scream. Stop fucking playing the victim when the SEIU dares to use YOUR OWN goddamned town hall tactics against you. Just because most of the rest of us fear all you scary, hooded, screaming, violent bastards doesn’t mean we all have to just sit there and take it. Fuck you. We want you to go away, back to your basements, back to your generators and your canned peas and your mistranslated bibles and your pregnant daughters, waiting for the rapture while you leave the rest of us the fuck alone.

You lost the goddamned fucking presidential election, you bastards.

Go away!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.